Deep Well Of Sadness

Will it ever stop hurting? Will I ever stop crying or feeling sad? I know my marriage is over and things will never be the same. It's something I must do but I am sad and fearful. I've been his caretaker for so long. Now I must let him go and allow him to find his own way as I could not find it for him.

A fresh set of tears and more sadness. I can't help but feel this way.

Father And Daughter

I met my dad for a late lunch in Long Island City today after visiting my mom in her nursing home.

Funny, we ate in the same restaurant as the last visit; it looked the same, but the menu was totally different.

My dad showed all the research he had done on prostate reduction and I gave him my best pharmacy technician feedback on the drug treatment options his search had revealed.

My dad is not one to passively accept a doctor's advice. He likes to thoroughly research his options. He's a smart old man.

I wished I lived closer so I could help him with things. But he's lived his entire life in Greenpoint, Brooklyn and I won't return to the city to live. So we're at an impasse for now. Sometimes I imagine him living in my home and he's teaching me to play the piano. He's a wonderful musician.

Before we parted, I took our picture. Him in that goofy, cute hat and me, his smiling daughter.

Mother And Daughter

Today I went to NYC to visit my mom. It was a good visit and my heart feels salved. I took this photo of us and I think you can see that special mother-daughter love in our eyes.

My mom's in a nursing home. She been there for about a year now. She's grown accustomed to it I guess. That doesn't mean she likes it there, but she deals with it. I probably have a harder time accepting the situation than she does. I find nursing homes very depressing. My last visit to her had gone badly for me and I was in a terrible mental state after.

This time was different though. She was dozing when I arrived. I touched her hand and gently said her name. The delight and smile on her face was a keeper.

For the next two hours, I sat there and told her in great detail all about my life at present. I was even able to tell her how hard these last fours have been. She listened to my every word and her eyes never wavered from my face.

It was so good for this daughter to be able to talk to her mother.

Putting Out The Fire

There's a saying, "Never abandon your marriage during a fire." I would have to say that phrase applies to my situation very much.

For a while there, the flames were out of control and the heat was intense. I was ready to bail just to save my life.

Now things are dying down. It seems we might get this blaze under control and actually put out the fire.

I want my husband to recover, regain and find himself. I want him to be successful. I am hopeful (yes, hopeful, once again) that he can build a life for himself.

Yes, a life for himself that doesn't include me. Sadly, I realize there will be just smoke and ashes left after the fire is put out. Things have just gone too far, for too long, and I've let go of him from my heart. He's my friend, someone I've known and supported for eighteen years of my life, but I removed my heart and soul from his influence.

Am I still the loyal wife? I don't know anymore. I've held on through the fire and been seared in the process. Now, as the blaze stutters out, I'll support him as we get back on our feet He'll always be father to my sons. Always. I want him to be a good one for them and also for himself.

As for me? I will be Phoenix. Shaking the ashes off, blinking away the soot from my eyes, and lifting my wings to begin flight.

My Favorite Holiday

It's the day after Thanksgiving and we are driving home. We've run into a little traffic and we're cruising along at around 5 mph. I'm listening to my iPod, the kids are curled up with pillows and blankets in the back seat, and my husband is driving.

I have this even and content feeling inside. Thanksgiving is my most favorite holiday. We all have a chance to push our day-to-day lives to the side and focus on our family and friends. No gifts, no pressure, just good food, good talk, and warm hugs.

It's the best.

Favorite Fruit

My favorite fruit is the pomegranate. This fruit is seasonal, so I can only enjoy it around this time of the year.

There's no telling whether the fruit will be sweet or sharply tart until you break it open for a taste.

There's no chomping it down by the mouthful. You have to finesse each and every seed.

Alive!

I find that life grows sweeter with the years;

Each moment becomes more defined and felt.

I roll and swish each day around on my palate;

A drink of fine wine, robust beer, and sweet amber.

With face cast upwards to feel the shine;

Arms spread wide in sheer delight.

I feel clean, doused, and driven— I feel refreshed.

Infused and aflame to wrangle a destiny;

Upon the path I choose to forge.

~Allison 11/09